Staying afloat.

Week 3&4 of postpartum....

This shit has to be THE most bitter-sweet time of your entire life as a mother. I'm sure graduation and all that sort of thing is too, but that's way far away right now. I can't even think about graduation without bawling like a baby. Why am I crying?! My kids are still babies!

Nobody really talks to you about post partum while you're pregnant. Especially as a first time Mom (they don't want to scare you), and they DEFINITELY dont want to talk to you about it if you already have a child (don't want you to be mortified). Because you already know how much it sucks, but that's the thing. You have NO idea how much it is going to suck, even though you have already done it. It was SO much easier the first go round. Looking back of course I thought it was tough, nah, that was the easy stuff!

There are so many different aspects of it. Let's break it down -

• You're healing. Physically. If you had an episiotomy, you're really in pain. I hear cesarean recoveries are rough too.
• Your newborn needs you nearly 24/7.
• Your (insert age of other child) needs you nearly 24/7.
• All of this combined means you have no time for yourself. And by time for yourself, what I really mean is, you have no time to shower, eat, brush your hair, or do anything that requires more than two minutes away from your children. (took me two days to write this!)
• Your emotions are ALL over the place. The smallest thing will either make you cry or piss you the eff off.
• You feel gross and you probably stink.
• Sleep?! What's that again? Oh, that's right - it's a thing of the past.
• Breastfeeding is amazing, but challenging. You are a human pacifier and at times, it gets frustrating.
• Gassy baby who won't quit crying combined with a pre-schooler who won't stop talking?? Hellllllllooooo beer thirty! (In moderation and only one if you are nursing!)

These are just skimming the surface. It's hard to understand why things are so difficult because this truly is the most precious and magical time of your child's life. Nothing is sweeter than a newborn's snuggle. So why do you feel like you are just going through the motions? Sort of just floating outside of your body, observing. You become so disconnected with yourself. Everything feels different. That's because everything IS different! Your body, routine, lifestyle, attitude, e-v-e-r-y thing! You knew that it was going to be this way, but once it is actually happening, that's when it hits you.

If you just happen to get snippy with your spouse, and have a fight. Don't worry. It isn't the end of your life or your relationship. It's hard on them too. So, when you are overly emotional, I imagine it has to be hard for them to handle. Luckily I have a husband who comes home and cooks dinner, does the dishes, plays with his son, puts him to bed, and fetches me anything I need. For that, I will be forever grateful. The days are long doing it alone, but I know that if I can just survive the day, my rescue will come in the evenings.

This is a struggle. But it is something WORTH struggling for. I love our children deeply. May not always like the older one at times, but I still love him. Once all this postpartum nastiness passes, I hope I can be the Mom they deserve to have. So for now, I'm going to "keep swimming".  This too shall pass.

We need a village

Kids are rough, man. I think that's why I don't particularly care for any children that aren't mine own.  It is just too much to deal with. They're all gross, and demanding, more times than not, they're loud. Really loud.  Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy other people's children, every baby is cute, precious, and just absolutely adorable...but it isn't the same. I don't really want to wipe their boogers or butt. I don't even want to wipe my own kids' boogers, it's gross. Don't get me started on poop. My son should win an award for the worst/nastiest poop-splosion of ALL time! I won't get into too many details, let's just say it involved the floor, dresser, tv, and his mouth. -shudder-

The pressure in raising these little disgusting little creatures is, at times, difficult to say the least. They must always be well behaved, sit nicely in public, use their manners, be intelligent, and it is probably a good idea to try to keep them clean also. (Clean toddler..LOL) As parents you are responsible for how your child ends up. I can only hope that our kids grow up with initiative, a good work ethic, intelligence, faith in something, love, confidence, and a sense of humor. How can you even think of all that stuff when your three year old only cares about keeping his grubby hands shoved down his pants?

Right now my main focus is just surviving through each day. No two are the same, especially with kids. If giving my son a lolly-pop at the beginning of our grocery shopping adventure will guarantee me a shopping trip with minimal public melt downs, I'M IN! If putting Nick JR on in the morning, in my room, will grant me an extra hour of sleep with our newborn baby, I'LL DO IT! If feeding him a PB&J  three days in a row is the only way I can get him to eat lunch, guess what, that's how it's gonna happen!! I'm surviving. But...by surviving the challenging day of being Mom, am I neglecting him, or making him suffer in the long run?

As far as I'm concerned, it really does take a village to raise a child. Kids need to be surrounded by all kinds of people and family members. They need a break from you just as much as you need it from them. Plus, it is good for them to be around different personality types, see other people's POV. Develop traditions and memories with people besides you.

As much as kids who do not share my DNA kinda make me cringe (just a little), I should work on creating a village for my children and others.We could all take turns having the kids for the weekend. Big, huge, loud, crazy family dinners, the kids could play while the adults drink talk. It sounds perfect.

Guess I have a lot of work to do if I'm gonna make this thing happen...

Now we have two

For 38 weeks and six days, I waited. On top of the usual, "will she look like me?" thoughts, I waited to see if I would have a healthy, full term baby. I wondered how my labor would be and anticipated those first few crucial moments in a new born's life. You know, when you've worked so hard to get there, then after that final push, you wait to hear that precious first cry.
Oh, the anticipation pregnancy brings, especially those last few weeks...there's just nothing like it. Intense in an understatement.

Before I hit 35 weeks, I just knew...I KNEW I would end up with another premature baby. The day I hit 35 + 1, I kept saying to myself, "it really could be any day! ANY day now!!" Never in a thousand years did I imagine being induced! I don't really recommend it either. Being induced that is...everyone needs a kid or two.

 Let me just say what you already know, nobody can predict the future. You can imagine a million and seven different scenarios in your head, but none of them will come close to what actually happens. At least when it comes to anything child related. Now I'll finally quit blabbing and get to the story....


Induction was scheduled to begin Wednesday, April 3rd 2013, at nine pm. East Boca Regional Hospital (lovely place btw).
I spent the whole day Wednesday basically getting pampered. I married an AMAZING man who is the very best care taker imaginable. He cooked me one of my favorite breakfasts, did our laundry, cleaned the car, helped me pack, and of course completely took care of our first born.

So, we get to the hospital right at nine o'clock. Of course our room wasn't ready, so we waited. Only for about an hour or so, then we were called up to our room.
Room 7. Lucky number, right?! : )
The room was HUGE!! As soon as we walked in, I was just over whelmed with excitement. This is the room we would welcome our second child, a daughter, into our family. This is where it would ALL happen. I danced around with the biggest smile on my face for the longest time. Took the initiative to go ahead and get that hospital gown and belly band on. What a good patient I am....

Ten or fifteen minutes after my personal party, the nurse comes in to get things started. Asked me a thousand questions (to which I cheerfully answered each and every one), got the IV started, and inserted the Cervidil. Our plan was to take it out around 5:30 in the morning, let me have a shower, then we would start the hell juice. Oh, I mean... pitocin (amazing nick name for the drug, LK).
That is exactly what happened, so let's fast forward to that part...

6:00 AM - Pitocin drip starts. At this point I'm still cheerful, feeling fresh out of the shower. Make up in place, BRING IT ON!

6:06 - Holy eff, these things are really starting to hurt. It's okay, I've got this...

7:00 - I'm bawling my eyes out. Telling Nick that make up was a bad idea. Nobody has checked me yet, and I didn't know why. I was at 2.5 cm dilated last night, surely I had to be further along.

7:20 - Oh man, I don't know if I can do this without the epidural. It hurts. A lot.

7:45 - Let the smaller of my screams begin. The contractions feel like they are right on top of each other. I didn't remember them hurting this bad with our first baby.

(all times besides the final are an estimate at this point)

7:50 - F*ck this. Give me drugs and give them to me now. Now, now, now, NOW!

7:57 - Doctor comes in to check. "Oh, well..you're 5cm dilated, let's break your water and get you the epidural". My reply, "yes,  please..I need it. I really need it now."

- The nurse says that the anesthesiologist is doing a C - section, I'm next in line.

8:00 - I'm pretty sure I'm scaring my husband shit less. I'm in pain.

8:01 - Please, please, please give me SOMETHING! SOMETHING.

8:02 - The nurse makes the wise decision to turn the pitocin drip off.

8:10 -  Insert a scene from the labor ward of the mid 60's.

8:20 - Okay, the anesthesiologist is on the way. Let's check to see how far you are.

- DOCTOR! Doctor, she's already at 9.5, we need to prep. NOW!
- Me, "No, no, no... No I can not do this without - aaaahhhf*ckaaAAAAHhhh".
- Nurse: "honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry but you're going to have to push this baby out with no epidural. We just don't have time."

I cried. I cried because I was in more pain than I've ever known in my life. I'm 100% convinced that the only other thing that could possibly hurt worse, is getting brutally murdered.  If you think I'm exaggerating, I encourage you to try being induced with no pain relief..

8:15 - They're checking me.
- Nurse: "You're at a 10, Start pushing on your next contraction!!"
(they haven't even broken the bed down yet)

8:20- I start feeling a contaction. The nurse grabs one foot, my husband grabs the other, and they yell to me. Yell for me to PUSSSHHHHHHH!!!! Push like you have to poop (no joke), C'mon..you can do it, YOU'VE GOT THIS!

But I can't push. I can only scream. At some point in my screaming, I bit my husband. Would never have known I even did it if it wasn't for the nurse screaming for me to stop. Apparently, laboring women have the strength to bite limbs off. Who would have known.

8:23- The room starts filling up with all kinds of people. So many people are talking all at once. Some to me, some to each other. I can't focus. Just trying to breathe seems like it is a much harder job than it should be.

Nick keeps brings me a cool rag for my head. My vision feels blurry. This is all happening way too fast for me. and it hurts. Dear cheese and effing rice, this shit hurts......

I'm crying my eyes out...and I'm begging for pain relief. I know it's too late, they've already told me that.. but still, I'm begging like my life depended on it.

8:25 - PUSHHHH!! "YOU CAN DO THIS!"
-no, no I can't I'm going to pass out..

(The bed is finally broken down)

Nick is bringing me more cold rags in between holding my feet back.

8:29- The doctor tells me if I can focus, we will have a baby out in two or three good pushes. I just have to FOCUS. I have to gain control, I have to be able to channel this energy.

The nurse makes me look at her through my tears and sweat. I will remember her face and her words for the rest of my life.

"Stop making all that noise girl, and just push. Get this baby out!!"

8:30 - I push. I didn't scream. I bared my teeth down, held the back of my thighs, got my chin to my chest, and I PUSHED!!!

The whole room is encouraging me at this point. They're telling me that they can feel that she has hair. I remember slightly laughing to myself. She better have hair with all the heartburn I've had for the past four months!

I can see the nurse's pity in her eyes. She knew exactly how I was feeling.  (later she tells me she birthed three children with no drugs. mad respect for her!)

The urge was gone, and I cried. Harder and harder by the minute. I really needed this to be over. How the hell was I suppose to focus? I really felt like if she didn't come out soon, I wasn't going to make it.

8:35 - I feel it coming. The pressure, the intense pain. I can feel her moving down. I hear my husband cheering me on and wiping my tears.
"You can do this honey, you CAN DO THIS!" Again, I grunted, clenched my teeth, held the back of my thighs, put my chin on my chest and I pushed. Took a big, deep breath, and I did it again. PUSSSHHHHHHH!!!!

8:58- Right as I was about to give up, I gave it one more go. Just one more. I focused. Harder than I'm sure I will ever have to again. I told myself that I could do this, and that I didn't have another choice BUT to do this.

Again - I heaved my body up. Shut my eyes, grabbed my thighs, clenched my teeth, and I pushed. I don't even know if that's the right word for it. ...pushed...

Then I felt it... Just like that, I felt her body come sliding out. As soon as my husband went to tell me what I great job I did, we heard it. We heard that precious first cry. No words can describe how your heart feels when that sound pierces your ears.

I did it!!
Kinsley Nichol
Born 8:58 AM
7lbs 7 oz (Room 7!)
20 inches long

She has beautiful blonde hair, gorgeous features, and she is amazingly perfect. In every way. There was not one single thing wrong with our little angel and that is such a blessing.
It's five days later now, and I'm still recovering. Definitely a bit of damage down stairs, but I'm perfectly okay with that. She is worth every intense moment.