Staying afloat.

Week 3&4 of postpartum....

This shit has to be THE most bitter-sweet time of your entire life as a mother. I'm sure graduation and all that sort of thing is too, but that's way far away right now. I can't even think about graduation without bawling like a baby. Why am I crying?! My kids are still babies!

Nobody really talks to you about post partum while you're pregnant. Especially as a first time Mom (they don't want to scare you), and they DEFINITELY dont want to talk to you about it if you already have a child (don't want you to be mortified). Because you already know how much it sucks, but that's the thing. You have NO idea how much it is going to suck, even though you have already done it. It was SO much easier the first go round. Looking back of course I thought it was tough, nah, that was the easy stuff!

There are so many different aspects of it. Let's break it down -

• You're healing. Physically. If you had an episiotomy, you're really in pain. I hear cesarean recoveries are rough too.
• Your newborn needs you nearly 24/7.
• Your (insert age of other child) needs you nearly 24/7.
• All of this combined means you have no time for yourself. And by time for yourself, what I really mean is, you have no time to shower, eat, brush your hair, or do anything that requires more than two minutes away from your children. (took me two days to write this!)
• Your emotions are ALL over the place. The smallest thing will either make you cry or piss you the eff off.
• You feel gross and you probably stink.
• Sleep?! What's that again? Oh, that's right - it's a thing of the past.
• Breastfeeding is amazing, but challenging. You are a human pacifier and at times, it gets frustrating.
• Gassy baby who won't quit crying combined with a pre-schooler who won't stop talking?? Hellllllllooooo beer thirty! (In moderation and only one if you are nursing!)

These are just skimming the surface. It's hard to understand why things are so difficult because this truly is the most precious and magical time of your child's life. Nothing is sweeter than a newborn's snuggle. So why do you feel like you are just going through the motions? Sort of just floating outside of your body, observing. You become so disconnected with yourself. Everything feels different. That's because everything IS different! Your body, routine, lifestyle, attitude, e-v-e-r-y thing! You knew that it was going to be this way, but once it is actually happening, that's when it hits you.

If you just happen to get snippy with your spouse, and have a fight. Don't worry. It isn't the end of your life or your relationship. It's hard on them too. So, when you are overly emotional, I imagine it has to be hard for them to handle. Luckily I have a husband who comes home and cooks dinner, does the dishes, plays with his son, puts him to bed, and fetches me anything I need. For that, I will be forever grateful. The days are long doing it alone, but I know that if I can just survive the day, my rescue will come in the evenings.

This is a struggle. But it is something WORTH struggling for. I love our children deeply. May not always like the older one at times, but I still love him. Once all this postpartum nastiness passes, I hope I can be the Mom they deserve to have. So for now, I'm going to "keep swimming".  This too shall pass.